It's Thanksgiving. My daughter's dog just barked at me until I gave her one of the chew bones our baby dog was guarding. Ron and Elaine are still in bed. It's 8:00, and Ron and I went to bed at 9:00 last night. It's not necessarily what I want to be doing, but I am still thankful. I am thankful that Ron made that long drive down here to be with us. I am thankful that Elaine had her fourth chemo yesterday, the first one that's on schedule. I am even more pleased that we are one third of the way through this process. That she's able to eat a meal of any kind. That Ron can walk unassisted.
Now the sun is shining. That's awesome, that I have this nice home in Florida. I am not bundled up against a cold rain or worried that the roads will be icy. But I am sad not to be included at the family tables in Buckhannon, Parkland or Charleston. I miss seeing the people who will gather there. I know that they won't miss us in the same way. They might give us a fleeting thought, but they're busy with loved ones who are present.
It's been a strange year. Last Thanksgiving was totally different. Elaine had invited Bobby and Josh over. I was trying to get everything done. I had never seen Josh except in drag. I haven't seen him, either way, since. Bobby came to the hospital when Elaine was diagnosed, but we haven't seen him since. Not exactly a traditional Thanksgiving with people who are part of your past or future.
We drove to Tom's in the evening. Brad and his family were there, as well as my cousin, Karen. We were both snowbirds, away from our husbands. It was her first Thanksgiving without her mother. It was my third. We spent the night together at the beach. Everything was different. It was fun, but it wasn't a typical Thanksgiving. Elaine had to work Friday, so she went home alone.
The year before had been a Charleston Thanksgiving. I made most of the dinner in Huntington, at Daniel 's place, but I served it at GG's sister's place. Everyone who attended was black except for us. It was another unusual Thanksgiving, as was the one before that. I was helping Elaine move to Florida. We ate with my friend, Sue, and her family. I guess unusual is our new normal.
Before, I was often at my brother's with my mother and his family. Or maybe it was a Thanksgiving in WV, fitted around the deer hunting schedule. I just don't have the kinds of traditions one normally thinks of. Christmas dinner has become a restaurant meal lately. I guess all of this is stuff to be thankful for, but it feels kind of lonely. Or maybe it's because I am alone this morning....
Sunday, after Thanksgiving
I stayed home from church today, so I decided to spend some time on gratitude. Why was Thanksgiving so unsatisfactory for me? I had anticipated medical concerns might trump traditional family dinners. I quickly prepared the turkey breast and fixings. We sat down together at the same time we would have if Ron's migraine (never even got a chance to evaluate whether Elaine would have wanted to go) hadn't kept us home. I read my comments from Thursday morning. They're dark, and so was my mood. I didn't want to communicate with anyone. My misery was wrapped around me, and I slept and cleaned up. The next two days were miserable too. Full of misery.
This morning has developed into one of happy banter in the living room. I stopped to see what others had to say about giving thanks when times are tough. Forbes says it's essential to your career. They say it's most important then. They cite betrayal by another as an example. The guy decided to focus on the clear cut chances he must make, based on what he has learned about his new circumstances. He has moved on and is successful, personally and professionally. Not as helpful when your enemy is your daughter's cells.
I switch to psychology. PsychCentral has an article that begins with a religious focus, since gratitude is a relatively recent concern of science. Most interesting to me is the Buddhist concept that it is fundamentally wrong to be grateful only when things go well. The idea is that we reinforce our own selfish desires when we only express gratitude when our desires are fulfilled. Then we grow to expect satisfaction constantly. Buddha says that's the cause of suffering. Whoa. That describes my experience. I have thought of a song lyrics recently, "I learned that getting what you wanted don't leave you satisfied." Yes. It just makes want to repeat that some more times.
Your next step, according to the article, is to count your blessings, publicly if you can. Compliment people, write notes, send messages, call. Make sure you and they know that they matter to you. That's just the opposite of my inclination. I want to pull away from everyone. I don't want to subject them to my misery. I guess I could reconsider that. Then at the end of the day, I am supposed to thank myself for 3 days I demonstrated gratitude.
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