I had a hair appointment today. It's not necessarily a spa day, but it was the defining moment besides Elaine 's first appointment with her recovery coach. Oh, and I decided to communicate with the world. I talked to my brother, Nancy and Susan, plus messaged with Janet. Larry's granddaughter is expecting a child in a few months. We had some medical updates and weather bashing on the calls too. It was nice to feel like people care.
We ordered pizza, so there was no cooking or cleanup. I did run the dogs early in the cold. I cleaned the floors and did 2 loads of laundry. Definitely no spa day, but I felt connected to people in a way I haven't recently.
While I was gone, Elaine and Ron went to Overlook Park. She also assembled the grill, but she's very tired now. It's 8:11.
Wednesday, November 28, 2018
Thursday, November 22, 2018
Thanks for giving, thanks forgiving...
It's Thanksgiving. My daughter's dog just barked at me until I gave her one of the chew bones our baby dog was guarding. Ron and Elaine are still in bed. It's 8:00, and Ron and I went to bed at 9:00 last night. It's not necessarily what I want to be doing, but I am still thankful. I am thankful that Ron made that long drive down here to be with us. I am thankful that Elaine had her fourth chemo yesterday, the first one that's on schedule. I am even more pleased that we are one third of the way through this process. That she's able to eat a meal of any kind. That Ron can walk unassisted.
Now the sun is shining. That's awesome, that I have this nice home in Florida. I am not bundled up against a cold rain or worried that the roads will be icy. But I am sad not to be included at the family tables in Buckhannon, Parkland or Charleston. I miss seeing the people who will gather there. I know that they won't miss us in the same way. They might give us a fleeting thought, but they're busy with loved ones who are present.
It's been a strange year. Last Thanksgiving was totally different. Elaine had invited Bobby and Josh over. I was trying to get everything done. I had never seen Josh except in drag. I haven't seen him, either way, since. Bobby came to the hospital when Elaine was diagnosed, but we haven't seen him since. Not exactly a traditional Thanksgiving with people who are part of your past or future.
We drove to Tom's in the evening. Brad and his family were there, as well as my cousin, Karen. We were both snowbirds, away from our husbands. It was her first Thanksgiving without her mother. It was my third. We spent the night together at the beach. Everything was different. It was fun, but it wasn't a typical Thanksgiving. Elaine had to work Friday, so she went home alone.
The year before had been a Charleston Thanksgiving. I made most of the dinner in Huntington, at Daniel 's place, but I served it at GG's sister's place. Everyone who attended was black except for us. It was another unusual Thanksgiving, as was the one before that. I was helping Elaine move to Florida. We ate with my friend, Sue, and her family. I guess unusual is our new normal.
Before, I was often at my brother's with my mother and his family. Or maybe it was a Thanksgiving in WV, fitted around the deer hunting schedule. I just don't have the kinds of traditions one normally thinks of. Christmas dinner has become a restaurant meal lately. I guess all of this is stuff to be thankful for, but it feels kind of lonely. Or maybe it's because I am alone this morning....
Sunday, after Thanksgiving
I stayed home from church today, so I decided to spend some time on gratitude. Why was Thanksgiving so unsatisfactory for me? I had anticipated medical concerns might trump traditional family dinners. I quickly prepared the turkey breast and fixings. We sat down together at the same time we would have if Ron's migraine (never even got a chance to evaluate whether Elaine would have wanted to go) hadn't kept us home. I read my comments from Thursday morning. They're dark, and so was my mood. I didn't want to communicate with anyone. My misery was wrapped around me, and I slept and cleaned up. The next two days were miserable too. Full of misery.
This morning has developed into one of happy banter in the living room. I stopped to see what others had to say about giving thanks when times are tough. Forbes says it's essential to your career. They say it's most important then. They cite betrayal by another as an example. The guy decided to focus on the clear cut chances he must make, based on what he has learned about his new circumstances. He has moved on and is successful, personally and professionally. Not as helpful when your enemy is your daughter's cells.
I switch to psychology. PsychCentral has an article that begins with a religious focus, since gratitude is a relatively recent concern of science. Most interesting to me is the Buddhist concept that it is fundamentally wrong to be grateful only when things go well. The idea is that we reinforce our own selfish desires when we only express gratitude when our desires are fulfilled. Then we grow to expect satisfaction constantly. Buddha says that's the cause of suffering. Whoa. That describes my experience. I have thought of a song lyrics recently, "I learned that getting what you wanted don't leave you satisfied." Yes. It just makes want to repeat that some more times.
Your next step, according to the article, is to count your blessings, publicly if you can. Compliment people, write notes, send messages, call. Make sure you and they know that they matter to you. That's just the opposite of my inclination. I want to pull away from everyone. I don't want to subject them to my misery. I guess I could reconsider that. Then at the end of the day, I am supposed to thank myself for 3 days I demonstrated gratitude.
Now the sun is shining. That's awesome, that I have this nice home in Florida. I am not bundled up against a cold rain or worried that the roads will be icy. But I am sad not to be included at the family tables in Buckhannon, Parkland or Charleston. I miss seeing the people who will gather there. I know that they won't miss us in the same way. They might give us a fleeting thought, but they're busy with loved ones who are present.
It's been a strange year. Last Thanksgiving was totally different. Elaine had invited Bobby and Josh over. I was trying to get everything done. I had never seen Josh except in drag. I haven't seen him, either way, since. Bobby came to the hospital when Elaine was diagnosed, but we haven't seen him since. Not exactly a traditional Thanksgiving with people who are part of your past or future.
We drove to Tom's in the evening. Brad and his family were there, as well as my cousin, Karen. We were both snowbirds, away from our husbands. It was her first Thanksgiving without her mother. It was my third. We spent the night together at the beach. Everything was different. It was fun, but it wasn't a typical Thanksgiving. Elaine had to work Friday, so she went home alone.
The year before had been a Charleston Thanksgiving. I made most of the dinner in Huntington, at Daniel 's place, but I served it at GG's sister's place. Everyone who attended was black except for us. It was another unusual Thanksgiving, as was the one before that. I was helping Elaine move to Florida. We ate with my friend, Sue, and her family. I guess unusual is our new normal.
Before, I was often at my brother's with my mother and his family. Or maybe it was a Thanksgiving in WV, fitted around the deer hunting schedule. I just don't have the kinds of traditions one normally thinks of. Christmas dinner has become a restaurant meal lately. I guess all of this is stuff to be thankful for, but it feels kind of lonely. Or maybe it's because I am alone this morning....
Sunday, after Thanksgiving
I stayed home from church today, so I decided to spend some time on gratitude. Why was Thanksgiving so unsatisfactory for me? I had anticipated medical concerns might trump traditional family dinners. I quickly prepared the turkey breast and fixings. We sat down together at the same time we would have if Ron's migraine (never even got a chance to evaluate whether Elaine would have wanted to go) hadn't kept us home. I read my comments from Thursday morning. They're dark, and so was my mood. I didn't want to communicate with anyone. My misery was wrapped around me, and I slept and cleaned up. The next two days were miserable too. Full of misery.
This morning has developed into one of happy banter in the living room. I stopped to see what others had to say about giving thanks when times are tough. Forbes says it's essential to your career. They say it's most important then. They cite betrayal by another as an example. The guy decided to focus on the clear cut chances he must make, based on what he has learned about his new circumstances. He has moved on and is successful, personally and professionally. Not as helpful when your enemy is your daughter's cells.
I switch to psychology. PsychCentral has an article that begins with a religious focus, since gratitude is a relatively recent concern of science. Most interesting to me is the Buddhist concept that it is fundamentally wrong to be grateful only when things go well. The idea is that we reinforce our own selfish desires when we only express gratitude when our desires are fulfilled. Then we grow to expect satisfaction constantly. Buddha says that's the cause of suffering. Whoa. That describes my experience. I have thought of a song lyrics recently, "I learned that getting what you wanted don't leave you satisfied." Yes. It just makes want to repeat that some more times.
Your next step, according to the article, is to count your blessings, publicly if you can. Compliment people, write notes, send messages, call. Make sure you and they know that they matter to you. That's just the opposite of my inclination. I want to pull away from everyone. I don't want to subject them to my misery. I guess I could reconsider that. Then at the end of the day, I am supposed to thank myself for 3 days I demonstrated gratitude.
Monday, November 19, 2018
November 19, or the gates of hell
I am officially depressed. I could sit here and cry the day away, but I won't. So far, I have mowed the front and back yards, as well as whacked weeds. I took a shower, but that just started the tears. I am hopeless. My life seemed so good as I entered 2018. 2017 began on December 30, 2016, with Ron's accident. It was bad, very bad, but we made it. The wedding began a new chapter, when Ron regained his mobility, and we had that great trip to California. I came down for my first snowbird year, and I found a new life away from the cold and ice.
We also celebrated our 45th anniversary, and the trip to the Keys was heavenly, even though the weather sucked. By then, the undertone of Elaine's illness had been peeking out at me. I was helpless to do anything about that, and we returned home to wait for our granddaughter. I stayed busy, and she finally came on July 12. It was a very special time, but the glow wore off quickly, as I began my troubles with Daniel. He has hurt me, time and again, until I now feel like giving up. Oh, and Elaine 's illness turned out to be cancer.
Today feels like the beginning of a holiday season that will leave me standing outside, peering at the happy families. We are invited to Thanksgiving dinner, but I don't want to go. The easiest part is that we have the perfect excuse. Elaine may or may not be able to go. Sadly, I kind of hope she isn't. I see the holiday stuff, and it just makes me sadder. I am not looking forward to any of it.
I just sent GG a text. I told her that I have paid their car repair bill. That's Christmas. I wish it was just over. I don't want any presents, any decorations, any special foods. I want normal. I won't be getting that.
Ron is supposed to drive down tomorrow. Maybe his presence will help. Maybe it won't. I don't feel like anything is going to get better. Right now I only hope that I can feel well enough to fake it for Elaine 's sake. I know that I have many blessings. It's just hard to feel blessed right now.
We also celebrated our 45th anniversary, and the trip to the Keys was heavenly, even though the weather sucked. By then, the undertone of Elaine's illness had been peeking out at me. I was helpless to do anything about that, and we returned home to wait for our granddaughter. I stayed busy, and she finally came on July 12. It was a very special time, but the glow wore off quickly, as I began my troubles with Daniel. He has hurt me, time and again, until I now feel like giving up. Oh, and Elaine 's illness turned out to be cancer.
Today feels like the beginning of a holiday season that will leave me standing outside, peering at the happy families. We are invited to Thanksgiving dinner, but I don't want to go. The easiest part is that we have the perfect excuse. Elaine may or may not be able to go. Sadly, I kind of hope she isn't. I see the holiday stuff, and it just makes me sadder. I am not looking forward to any of it.
I just sent GG a text. I told her that I have paid their car repair bill. That's Christmas. I wish it was just over. I don't want any presents, any decorations, any special foods. I want normal. I won't be getting that.
Ron is supposed to drive down tomorrow. Maybe his presence will help. Maybe it won't. I don't feel like anything is going to get better. Right now I only hope that I can feel well enough to fake it for Elaine 's sake. I know that I have many blessings. It's just hard to feel blessed right now.
Saturday, November 17, 2018
Update on November 17...including the cruise
First, the daily word thing fell apart. We had used so.many, and the words which remained were difficult to choose. We weren't in the beginning of this journey any more, and the daily words were a great introduction. That part is behind us now.
Further, my thoughts became dominated by the need to prepare for the cruise. I had never been on one, and I was nervous about the while thing. Would I forget something critical? Would I hate cruising but be unable to come home? Would Elaine have a crisis, say, a spiked fever, when I was a thousand miles away?
My cruise companions were not old friends, except for my roommate. Would we all get along?
Somehow I convinced myself that the cruise was actually a day shorter than it really was. So a doctor's appointment had been made that I couldn't attend. Some number of Facebook messages later, my sister-in-law signed on to get Elaine in. Unknown to me, since he lost his cell phone AGAIN, my husband was livid. He was boiling mad at me, but he didn't come driving down immediately either. Glad I was out of the mix. I didn't know of his rage until I was home and heard his angry voice. Yep, he was pissed! What did he think I should do? Throw away hundreds of dollars over 24 hours difference? No.
Before I was even onboard, Elaine had posted how bad she was feeling on Facebook. That didn't help either. Her selfish bitch mother was blithely boarding the Fun Ship while her cancer patient daughter was suffering at home. I had even taken her car, so she was TRAPPED at home. I was the villain all around. Tough. I went anyway.
As it turned out, Elaine was no sicker than usual. The visitors who were scheduled to come on Sunday did. It was all good. Monday's visitor cancelled, because she had a cold. Elaine was alone Monday through Thursday noon when I got in. She was dealing with everything by herself. I don't think that's a bad lesson for her or anyone else. This is a temporary situation. The day will come when I go to West Virginia for months. That's our real life. My living here full time is going to end.
Now, as for the cruise... First of all, I needn't have worried about the group I traveled with. The 7 other ladies were all great. We were always happy to see each other, but we could also go out own way if that is what pleased us. The group dynamic couldn't have been better. I made 6 new friends basically. We hope to do it again sometime.
I took Dramamine like it was breath mints, beginning the day before the cruise and ending it after a full day home. That wasn't pleasant, and it cut down the amount of the always available food I ate and enjoyed. I never even tried the pizza which was available 24 hours a day. I only threw up once, on the dive boat, but I dealt with others who were very ill. I didn't eat anything all day for two of the five days, except for supper. I didn't clean my plate then either.
I only had 3 cocktails on the ship .Sure glad we didn't get the drinks package! I drank all afternoon in Cozumel, but those drinks must have been pretty weak. The food at the beach club was fantastic, though. The dinners on the ship were great, too, as was my Guy Fieri hamburger. The buffet reminded me of Golden Corral. Not as good as I had hoped.
I slept fine on the ship, only waking as we approached port and they changed the engine for that. Otherwise the rocking boat pulled me into peaceful slumber.
I loved having a balcony room, and I stayed out there, reading 2 books and watching the sunset or the stars. Our room was near the rooms of the others in the party, and we were constantly in contact, although we weren't constantly together. It must have been something like living in a dorm. Our fellow passengers were always cordial. It WAS a Fun Ship.
The down side of that could be summed up in the person of Brandon.Our cruise director. His constant over the top enthusiasm wore thin quickly, and the announcements he made over the PA were extremely annoying. I wasn't sure at first that something important wasn't being said, so I stopped what I was doing to listen. It was never anything but another opportunity for us to spend money, so I learned to groan and ignore them.
The islands and the Caribbean surrounding them were gorgeous. I was so pleased that I got to see Sting Ray City, but the sea was so rough that I had to go back on the boat. I threw up, fortunately in the trash can. The captain, who was a blustery South African, said that I should have headed to the back of the boat to "feed the fishes." That was where I was headed, but I didn't make it that far.
The sting rays were everywhere, as promised. I especially liked looking at them through my mask, as they dodged around the couple of hundred people on the sand bar. I touched some, and I watched as the mates held some for us to.look over. I didn't even try to get off the boat at the second stop. No one stayed in long. It was too rough.
We learned lots about life in the Caymans from the crew. We saw several of the invasive green marine iguanas and heard about the attempt to cut down their population to save the native blue iguanas. We heard about the cost of living in the paradise there.
The Beach Club was an outstanding afternoon. It was just what we wanted, with beautiful beach, shaded by palms with a gentle breeze. We had unlimited food and drinks with our waiter, Paco, making sure we never ran out. I got a seaside pedicure, and some of the others got massages. Susan made friends with other travelers, and the rest of us just chilled.
The shows onboard were fantastic. We went to the 80's rock and other rock show. I really wanted to go to the Latin dance one, but it was the day I threw up. I took a Compazine and couldn't keep my eyes open. I slept ten hours! Their performers were excellent! They could sing, and could they dance! We also saw the two comics. The adult only shows were hysterical, but the PG rated one was meh.
Cruise life is not for me. I wouldn't say that I will never go again, but I still like the trips I plan better. Even without the constant threat of nausea, I just prefer nature and quiet to busy, busy, busy.
Since my return, I have taken it easy as I recovered from the seasickness. I forced myself to go to Wal-Mart for supplies, and I walked the dogs plus took a walk in the park looking for the cat who escaped when I put the trash out.
That's another story... We didn't realize she was out until after dark, so we couldn't look for her. By morning I was thinking we might not ever see her again. I called and called, even talked to a neighbor, but nothing. Then I let Rocky out while I put my suitcase in the shed. Rocky was trying to dig under the shed. OMG! That's where the cat was! I called Elaine, and we tried to get her out. I could see her, but she wouldn't come out. We tried poking her with a broomstick. She would move but still not come out. I finally had to get the hose and force her out with water. But now she's home and safe.
So that's it for now. It's Saturday morning, a week later. Chemo is scheduled for Wednesday, and we're praying that it goes as scheduled this time. Ron is coming down Tuesday or Wednesday to be here on Thanksgiving.
Further, my thoughts became dominated by the need to prepare for the cruise. I had never been on one, and I was nervous about the while thing. Would I forget something critical? Would I hate cruising but be unable to come home? Would Elaine have a crisis, say, a spiked fever, when I was a thousand miles away?
My cruise companions were not old friends, except for my roommate. Would we all get along?
Somehow I convinced myself that the cruise was actually a day shorter than it really was. So a doctor's appointment had been made that I couldn't attend. Some number of Facebook messages later, my sister-in-law signed on to get Elaine in. Unknown to me, since he lost his cell phone AGAIN, my husband was livid. He was boiling mad at me, but he didn't come driving down immediately either. Glad I was out of the mix. I didn't know of his rage until I was home and heard his angry voice. Yep, he was pissed! What did he think I should do? Throw away hundreds of dollars over 24 hours difference? No.
Before I was even onboard, Elaine had posted how bad she was feeling on Facebook. That didn't help either. Her selfish bitch mother was blithely boarding the Fun Ship while her cancer patient daughter was suffering at home. I had even taken her car, so she was TRAPPED at home. I was the villain all around. Tough. I went anyway.
As it turned out, Elaine was no sicker than usual. The visitors who were scheduled to come on Sunday did. It was all good. Monday's visitor cancelled, because she had a cold. Elaine was alone Monday through Thursday noon when I got in. She was dealing with everything by herself. I don't think that's a bad lesson for her or anyone else. This is a temporary situation. The day will come when I go to West Virginia for months. That's our real life. My living here full time is going to end.
Now, as for the cruise... First of all, I needn't have worried about the group I traveled with. The 7 other ladies were all great. We were always happy to see each other, but we could also go out own way if that is what pleased us. The group dynamic couldn't have been better. I made 6 new friends basically. We hope to do it again sometime.
I took Dramamine like it was breath mints, beginning the day before the cruise and ending it after a full day home. That wasn't pleasant, and it cut down the amount of the always available food I ate and enjoyed. I never even tried the pizza which was available 24 hours a day. I only threw up once, on the dive boat, but I dealt with others who were very ill. I didn't eat anything all day for two of the five days, except for supper. I didn't clean my plate then either.
I only had 3 cocktails on the ship .Sure glad we didn't get the drinks package! I drank all afternoon in Cozumel, but those drinks must have been pretty weak. The food at the beach club was fantastic, though. The dinners on the ship were great, too, as was my Guy Fieri hamburger. The buffet reminded me of Golden Corral. Not as good as I had hoped.
I slept fine on the ship, only waking as we approached port and they changed the engine for that. Otherwise the rocking boat pulled me into peaceful slumber.
I loved having a balcony room, and I stayed out there, reading 2 books and watching the sunset or the stars. Our room was near the rooms of the others in the party, and we were constantly in contact, although we weren't constantly together. It must have been something like living in a dorm. Our fellow passengers were always cordial. It WAS a Fun Ship.
The down side of that could be summed up in the person of Brandon.Our cruise director. His constant over the top enthusiasm wore thin quickly, and the announcements he made over the PA were extremely annoying. I wasn't sure at first that something important wasn't being said, so I stopped what I was doing to listen. It was never anything but another opportunity for us to spend money, so I learned to groan and ignore them.
The islands and the Caribbean surrounding them were gorgeous. I was so pleased that I got to see Sting Ray City, but the sea was so rough that I had to go back on the boat. I threw up, fortunately in the trash can. The captain, who was a blustery South African, said that I should have headed to the back of the boat to "feed the fishes." That was where I was headed, but I didn't make it that far.
The sting rays were everywhere, as promised. I especially liked looking at them through my mask, as they dodged around the couple of hundred people on the sand bar. I touched some, and I watched as the mates held some for us to.look over. I didn't even try to get off the boat at the second stop. No one stayed in long. It was too rough.
We learned lots about life in the Caymans from the crew. We saw several of the invasive green marine iguanas and heard about the attempt to cut down their population to save the native blue iguanas. We heard about the cost of living in the paradise there.
The Beach Club was an outstanding afternoon. It was just what we wanted, with beautiful beach, shaded by palms with a gentle breeze. We had unlimited food and drinks with our waiter, Paco, making sure we never ran out. I got a seaside pedicure, and some of the others got massages. Susan made friends with other travelers, and the rest of us just chilled.
The shows onboard were fantastic. We went to the 80's rock and other rock show. I really wanted to go to the Latin dance one, but it was the day I threw up. I took a Compazine and couldn't keep my eyes open. I slept ten hours! Their performers were excellent! They could sing, and could they dance! We also saw the two comics. The adult only shows were hysterical, but the PG rated one was meh.
Cruise life is not for me. I wouldn't say that I will never go again, but I still like the trips I plan better. Even without the constant threat of nausea, I just prefer nature and quiet to busy, busy, busy.
Since my return, I have taken it easy as I recovered from the seasickness. I forced myself to go to Wal-Mart for supplies, and I walked the dogs plus took a walk in the park looking for the cat who escaped when I put the trash out.
That's another story... We didn't realize she was out until after dark, so we couldn't look for her. By morning I was thinking we might not ever see her again. I called and called, even talked to a neighbor, but nothing. Then I let Rocky out while I put my suitcase in the shed. Rocky was trying to dig under the shed. OMG! That's where the cat was! I called Elaine, and we tried to get her out. I could see her, but she wouldn't come out. We tried poking her with a broomstick. She would move but still not come out. I finally had to get the hose and force her out with water. But now she's home and safe.
So that's it for now. It's Saturday morning, a week later. Chemo is scheduled for Wednesday, and we're praying that it goes as scheduled this time. Ron is coming down Tuesday or Wednesday to be here on Thanksgiving.
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